Death took my happiness away || X-IDENTITY (xID)

My mother suffered from a rare congenital heart disease called restrictive cardiomyopathy. It started to make her really sick in February of 2013. In March she was scheduled for a surgery what would help to keep her heart in sinus rhythm because she was going into Atrial fibrillation so often at this point. The night right before the procedure, I awoke to the sound of EMTS rushing up my stairs to my mom's room.

She had suffered a severe stroke that left her with Broca's aphasia which made her not able to speak fluently but still being able to understand what others were saying and trouble with motor skills. It was a long road to recovery but eventually she was able to walk again, write and speak. It was all very depressing for her. However, and that took her vibrant personality away.

I saw her every day, but still missed her so much that it hurt. She was frustrated because we couldn't understand what she was saying at most times and that left the house in constant tension. With time things improved, and I became her personal translator to the rest of the family when they couldn't understand her. We got even closer than we already were during that time.

In the summer of that year, she ended up back in the hospital with another stroke and although this one was smaller, there was no way they could let her leave. Her organs were failing, kidneys liver heart. She would need a heart and lung transplant, but they knew she wouldn't survive the wait for it without some aid. So in October the doctors put her on a bi-vad machine that would essentially pump her heart for her so that she could live long enough to have a transplant.

It was a huge, loud machine with 4 long tubes that went inside of my mom's tiny abdomen. It was hard to see her like that but she was in good spirits and we knew that it would be worth it in the long run. She could have refused the bi-vad surgery but instead she wanted to keep fighting for us. She spent her favorite holidays, that's halloween and thanksgiving in the hospital.

We brought her all of her favorite thanksgiving foods but she couldn't eat them because she was so sick that day. She had good days and bad days and you never knew what would be next. One day we went in to visit and she surprised us by walking around the floor she stayed on. They had moved her to a smaller, quieter, suitcase-like version of the bi-vad by this point in preparation to finally come home.

The doctors and nurses said she'll probably be able to come home next week and we were all ecstatic. A few days later on December 3rd, she suffered yet another stroke that caused a significant brain bleed. There wasn't anything they could do to help her. If they took out the part of her brain that was affected, if she even survived the surgery she would never have the same quality of life, and if they left her alone, she wouldn't make it.

We knew that we just needed to take the time to say goodbye. At one point, I was the only one in the room with her, holding her hand. I said "I love you so much, mommy" and even though she was rapidly declining she said "I love you" back. Those were the last words she ever said. The whole family was gathered around her through the night, watching the numbers on the monitor, as her heart beat dropped into the 40's.

I fell asleep sitting in a chair by her bed, holding her hand. Her eyes were closed but I knew she had to hear us as we said our final goodbyes that night, because tears slowly flowed from her closed eyes. The morning of December 4th, they took her off of the machine, expecting her to pass almost immediately. She fought for another 3 hours.

The most stubborn, strong woman I've ever known. She was my best friend. I've never been closer to any person. The funniest person I've ever met. She didn't take shit from anyone. She loved bigger than anyone, in the most selfless way. Sacrificed time and time again for her kids. She taught me SO MUCH about love and if one day I'm evenhalf the mother that she was, I will be grateful. It still hurts anytime I remember lovely mum 😭